Who You'd Be Today
by Sad-Blue-Eyed-Angel 2010
Summary: Dean's perspective of how Sammy and his life might have been if he'd left Sammy at Stanford instead of asking for his help in solving the lady in white case and leaving Jess unprotected. Takes place just after Sammy gets stabbed in the back. S2 No Flames!


Who You'd Be Today

Dean sat by Sam's bedside, gazing at his one and only baby brother, whom he'd raised from the time he'd been four and Sam had been six months old. The young man was laid out on a bed, eyes forever closed and never to open again.

"You know when we were little, when you couldn't have been more than five? You just started asking questions, like how come we didn't have a mom? Why do we always have to move around, where'd dad go, when he used to take off for days at a time? I remember I begged you to quit asking Sammy, man you don't want to know."

Dean thought back to a time, many years earlier, when Sam was still Sammy and knew nothing of the world they lived in now.

 _Dean knelt on the carpeted ground in their latest motel room. He helped Sammy to stack the ABC blocks they'd gotten from the trunk of the impala. They'd been a gift from their neighbor after their house burned down and they had nowhere else to go. Dean got a new set of G.I. Joe action figures to replace those lost in the fire and a whole bunch of new clothes._

 _John sat on the bed, aimlessly flipping from station to station as he replayed the night his beloved Mary died. He happened across the seven hundred club and heard the mentioning of demons and how they came into the home of those not protected by God. He snorted before he lifted the neck of his beer bottle to his lips, lifting the remote with the other hand and changing the station once more._

 _"Mary was a firm believer in God and he didn't protect us none." John grumbled as he set his empty bottle down before grabbing another and taking the lid off. He dropped the little aluminum cap onto the carpet as he resumed his drinking._

"I just wanted you to be a kid, just for a little while longer. I always tried to protect you. Keep you safe. Dad didn't even have to tell me, it was just always my responsibility, you know?"

 _Sammy toddled around the motel room, furniture surfing as Dean liked to call it. He was making wobbly steps around the room, trying to make a complete circuit. Dean was eating his pop tart as he watched Thundercats…Saturday morning cartoons were the best._

 _Hearing a cough come from over by the beds, Dean looked over to see Sammy. The baby was sitting on his diapered butt, gagging on what appeared to be nothing. Dean just watched him for a moment, before he jumped up and ran over to Sammy when the gagging continued._

 _When Dean reached Sammy, his baby brother's lips were turning blue. Dean knew that wasn't good, he'd seen stuff on TV and every time somebody's lips were blue it meant they couldn't breathe. Sammy's mouth opened in a gag again. Dean looked in Sammy's mouth, but couldn't see anything. Sticking his fingers into Sammy's mouth, he touched something that had a semi-sharp lip on it. It was in the back of Sammy's throat. Turning Sammy slightly, Dean began to hit Sammy on the back. Hard._

 _"Come on Sammy, cough. Y'can do it." Dean kept hitting Sammy's back until he gave a particularly rough gag and the object choking the toddler turned out to be the cap off of one of their dad's beers. Sammy spit it up into Dean's hand along with his formula and bits of lucky charm cereal that Dean let him have. "Good boy Sammy."_

"It's like I had one job, I had one job…and I screwed it up. I blew it; and for that I'm sorry. I guess that's what I do. I let down the people I love. You know I let dad down, and now I guess I'm just supposed to let you down too. How can I? How am I supposed to live with that? What am I supposed to do? Sammy? God! What am I supposed to do? What am I supposed to do?!"

Bobby who was in the next room over came in at that time and pulled Dean into his arms. The young man that was like a son to him was losing it. His little brother was dead and there wasn't much they could do. Bobby didn't dare tell Dean about the crossroads demon for fear that Dean would sell his soul in exchange for Sam's life. Dean buried his face in Bobby's chest, crying softly. Bobby knew better than to point out that Dean was crying at all. Dean would lock up his emotions and he wouldn't get the release he needed if Bobby mentioned Dean crying or needing to.

"Come on Dean, let's go." Bobby said. He cast a glance over his shoulder at Sam, may God rest his soul.

SPN*SPN*SPN*SPN

Dean stood beside the pyre, eyes shining as Sam was given a hunter's funeral. He wondered, not for the first time if he'd left Sam alone – let him stay at Stanford with Jess, if Sam (his Sammy) would have been okay. He watched as Sam's body was swallowed by the flames, closing his eyes as he tried to imagine a world where Sam had graduated Stanford, Jess by his side and lived as lawyer in California.

' _The Dean of Stanford stood at the podium and he smiled brightly as he called the name of one star pupil. "Samuel Winchester!"_

 _Dean jumped to his feet and clapped, loudly cheering as he watched his baby brother rise from the sea of students graduating from college. Sammy never looked quite as dorky as he did in his cap and gown, but he was Dean's dork and he was proud of his baby brother._

" _Samuel is a first generation student who after four years studying his undergraduate program was accepted into law school. Three years later we have finally seen the fruits of his labor, may I present the Valedictorian of Stanford's law program." The Dean said as he shook Sam's hand. Sam was beaming as he shook the Dean's hand before turning to shake the rest of the faculty's hands._

" _Whoo! Go Sammy!" Dean yelled as he cupped his hands around his mouth. If anybody stared, Dean didn't see it nor did he care. That was his baby brother, his Sammy accepting his Diploma and placard stating he was legally a lawyer. Now he just needed to pass whatever other tests and he'd be the real deal._

 _Dean waited anxiously until the end of the graduation ceremony to see Sammy. This was going to surprise Sammy that Dean even showed his face. Somehow Jess got Bobby's mailing address (probably from talking to Sam) and mailed an invitation addressed to Dean. It included a picture of Sam, one that Jess wrote on the back of with a message that their mutual friend that they met through, Brady had taken the picture of Sam at a party. It was a great picture of Sam, he was holding a bottle of beer and was working his charms on who he'd assume to be Jess – dimples on full display._

" _Sammy!" Dean called as he saw Sam wrap his arms around a petite blond that Dean assumed to be Jess. He'd never actually seen a picture of her, nor met her in person. He'd mailed her the RSVP, but that was the extent of their communication._

 _Sam turned at the call and his jaw dropped in shock at the sight of his older brother. Dean was beaming with pride that Sammy had stuck to his guns and had been the first in their family to graduate from college and to top it off – law school!_

" _Dean? What are you…?" Sam asked as he gave pause. Without a moment's hesitation, Dean found himself with an armload of his Sasquatch of a little brother. "What're you doing here?"_

" _I wasn't gonna miss your graduation for the world…you're all I got." Dean whispered as he pat Sammy on the back._

" _Is dad…?" Sam asked as he pulled away._

" _No, but he might as well be. I rarely see him anymore." Dean whispered, pulling Sam in for another hug. Damn his no chick flick moments to Hell, he could hug his little brother whom he was very proud of at the moment. "Jess invited me."_

" _Jess?" Sam asked as he hugged Dean tighter._

" _Yeah, sent an invite to Bobby's. You been holding out on me Sammy?" Dean asked as he pulled away, reaching up to ruffle Sam's neatly combed hair back so that it hung wild and free in his eyes like Dean got used to over the years. Sam hated having his hair combed back as a kid and he'd do anything possible to make sure it always looked like he'd just rolled out of bed. As Sam blushed at the mention of Sam holding out on Dean, he finally pulled away. "Well, is she here or not?"_

" _Jess, come meet my brother." Sam said as he turned back to his group of gathered friends._

 _Dean's eyes widened when he saw the tiny blonde move forward and when she stepped up beside Sam, it occurred to Dean how tiny she actually was. She couldn't have been more than 5'4" max and as Dean looked between the two of them, he realized that Sam seemed to have gotten a touch taller in the seven years since he'd seen him._

" _Hi Dean, I'm Jess." The blonde said as she shook Dean's hand, big smile on her face._

SPN*SPN*SPN*SPN

 _Dean stood beside Sam as his little brother flitted about nervously. Dean wasn't too impressed with the choice of wardrobe, but he'd conceded when Sam begged him to wear the stupid penguin suit._

" _Dude, calm down. You've killed monsters scarier than the boogey man, how can you be so scared of seeing Jess at that alter?" Dean asked._

" _Dean, I'm not scared of seeing Jess…I'm terrified that soon I'm going to have more than just you as my family. Oh god, she's gonna be my wife." Sam said as he paced back and forth. It was beginning to make Dean dizzy so he grabbed Sam by the shoulders and forced the kid to sit down before he fell down. "Is dad here yet? He said he'd be here!"_

 _Dean had to keep his hands on Sam's shoulders to keep the kid in his seat._

" _Yes dad is here…so is Bobby! Do ya really think they'd miss this?" Dean asked. True he doubted that if he hadn't harassed his dad and Bobby that they'd have shown up, but when Dean pestered both men, so Sam would quit belly aching – he finally got their agreement and their promise they'd be there. Dean had seen them as he was walking in the back of the chapel that Jess insisted on getting married in. They looked as out of place as Dean felt in the penguin suit, but they were there._

 _One glance at the clock and Dean smirked._

" _Ready or not, you've got one lucky lady out there waiting to become a part of the Winchester clan."_

 _Without any further ado, Dean pulled Sam out of the back room. Once they were stood beside the alter, Dean smiled up at Sam. The wedding march began to play and both Dean and Sam looked at the door to see Jess being escorted down the aisle by her father. Ever the traditional bride, Jess had the veil down in front of her face – obscuring her face until Sam lifted the veil to look at his bride to be._

" _Jess…" Sam whispered._

SPN*SPN*SPN*SPN

 _Dean sat in the waiting room of the labor and delivery unit at the local hospital. Sam called him at the butt crack of dawn to tell him Jess's water broke and he was taking her to the hospital. Dean said he'd be there to offer moral support for Sammy when his little brother asked. First kid and everything, first time daddy to be jitters. He looked up when the door opened to reveal a bedraggled Sam still in his sleep clothes._

" _Hey, how's she doing Sammy?" Dean asked in regards to his sister in law. He cared for the girl like a little sister and anything or anybody that hurt Jess usually had to deal with not only an angry husband in Sam but and angry brother in law in Dean._

" _Doc says it'll be a few hours yet until she's ready to push. I'm sorry Dean, I didn't know who else to call. When Jess woke me up to tell me her water broke, I thought she was ready to have the kid. I guess I panicked." Sam said as he moved to the vending machine to get ice chips for Jess to suck on. "You can go back to the motel if you want. No sense in being up if nothing's happening."_

" _Naw bro…if you and Jess have to stay awake, I'll stay up with you. After all, you'll need someone to talk to when Jess threatens to cut your nuts off for making her push a kid the size of a watermelon out of something the size of a golf ball."_

 _Dean had to bite his lip to keep from laughing when Sam squirmed at the idea of having his nuts cut off._

" _Really you don't have to stay if you don't want to." Sam said even as they could here Jess moaning through the paper thin walls for Sam._

" _Go get to your wife Sam, sounds like she needs ya." Dean shoved Sam back in the room._

 _Hours passed as Dean fought to stay awake. Just a little before lunch time, when Dean was preparing to go grab a bite to eat – Sam came out to tell him Jess was ready to push. Dean stayed by the door, ears plugged because he didn't wish to hear Jess screaming at the top of her lungs – he swore Sam would be deaf if he could still hear Jess with his fingers in his ears._

 _When the door opened an hour or so later, the room was quiet and Sam asked Dean to come in and meet his birthright. Dean walked in hesitantly only to glimpse an itty bitty baby with slate blue eyes. The baby was wrapped tightly in a blue blanket and nestled snuggly in Jess's arms. Jess looked exhausted but happy. She whispered and Dean assumed she'd screamed so much it tore her voice up._

" _Come meet your nephew Dean."_

 _Dean sat on the side of the bed beside Jess when Sam patted the spot. Looking at the bundle, Dean felt his heart swell with love and affection for the baby in his sister in law's arms._

" _Would you like to hold him?" Jess asked._

 _Dean nodded before he really comprehended the question and he soon found himself holding a small bundle of amazing. He cradled the baby closely, running callused fingers over the soft swells of plump baby fat cheeks. The baby made a gurgle noise before he appeared to smile._

" _Dean, meet your nephew Dean Jonathan Winchester." Sam made introductions._

" _Hey little guy…I'm your uncle." Dean whispered softly. He'd always been fond of kids and now he had a little nephew to run around with. "I'm gonna show you all there is to know about taking care of cars and I'll show you how to pick up the ladies…your momma will kill me if I do it any time before you're thirty five though."_

" _Don't even…" Jess whispered back tiredly._

" _I won't…really what kind of guy do you take me for anyway?" Dean whispered back. At the sound of a little squeak, Dean looked back over only to see little Dean yawning. "Little man is tired."_

 _When Sam made to take little Dean from his uncle, Dean pulled back._

" _No, I'll hold him a little longer…just until he's asleep."_

SPN*SPN*SPN*SPN

 _Dean smiled as he stood by Sam's side. The both of them were in the park and Sam was pushing the swing that little Dean was on. The toddler was a handful and Dean seemed to be the only one that could get the kid to sleep. Sam and Jess took to calling him whenever they couldn't get little Dean to sleep and Dean would sing Carry On Wayward Son or Hey Jude softly over the phone like he'd done with Sammy when he was growing up._

" _So when are you and Jess gonna start work on a little brother for Mr. Dean here?" Dean asked as he helped Sam push the swing. "Little guy is gonna be four soon, maybe he'll want a little brother to play with."_

 _Sam looked away as if the question struck a nerve. Dean knew his brother and he knew when something upset his little brother._

" _What's up?" Dean asked at Sam's silence._

" _We didn't want to say anything but…we don't think Jess can have any more children." Sam whispered._

" _What…" Dean asked but was cut off by Sam._

" _Remember last month when I called for you to come take little Dean back to the motel with you for a few days?" Sam asked reminding Dean of a faraway time._

" _Yeah? What about it?" Dean asked, not liking what Sam was hinting at._

" _Jess suffered a miscarriage, she was three almost four months along and she lost the baby." Sam said, before taking a seat on another swing and letting his head hang. Dean stayed standing, pushing little Dean as he continued swinging back and forth. The toddler was all smiles and drooly at Dean and he couldn't refuse such a face._

" _So can't you two try again? Is there some unwritten rule that you guys can't screw like a couple rabbits and try to have another baby?" Dean asked, kind of liking the idea of having a niece to spoil this time instead of another nephew. He'd taken to living permanently at the local motel, more like a boarding house and Dean was one of the primary residents that helped look after the place. He occasionally hunted anymore, choosing to stick close to Sam and Jess should they ever need a baby sitter and just so he could be as close to Sam's idea of an apple pie life as they could get._

" _Jess doesn't want to try again." Sam replied, face looked wrought with strife._

" _Yeah? And? From what dad said, mom didn't want to try again for a couple years after she lost a baby she was pregnant with before you were born – but dad worked a little magic and within nine months you were coming out into the world. Just give her some time and I'm sure she'll be jumping to try again."_

SPN*SPN*SPN*SPN

 _Less than a year later Dean was back in the hospital's labor and delivery ward waiting room only this time accompanied by his now four year old nephew. Little Dean was snuggled up in his lap and sucking his thumb and he covered an ear at the sounds of his mommy screaming once more. Dean rocked little Dean gently and within what seemed like minutes Dean was looking up into the smiling and bright eyes of his little brother once again._

" _There's someone who can't wait to meet you two." Sam whispered as he picked up little Dean from Dean's lap. The two men and little boy moved back into the room only for Dean to look elsewhere in the room for a few moments when he realized the baby was nursing from Jess's breast. This time however, instead of Jess holding a blue blanket, she held a pink blanket in her arms._

" _Dean, little Dean…I'd like for you to meet your niece and your little sister." Sam whispered as he set little Dean on the bed beside Jess. Dean joined his nephew in looking at the pink bundle._

" _What's her name Sammy?" Dean inquired softly._

 _Jess and Sam shared a look and Jess nodded tiredly at Sam._

" _We were hoping you'd like to name her Dean." Sam replied, making Dean's jaw drop._

" _What? Why me?" Dean asked in shock that his little brother would ask for his opinion._

" _Jess and I couldn't agree on a name, so we figured because you were such a big part of our lives that maybe you'd like to help us in naming our littlest Winchester." Sam said softly._

 _Dean smiled warmly, discreetly brushing a tear or two from his eyes. Looking at Sam he smiled. He had the perfect name for the little girl and he hoped his mother would be honored._

" _Mary…Mary Emma Winchester."_

SPN*SPN*SPN*SPN

Dean sat on the bed in the room he and Sammy shared at Bobby's. There were still little nuances that Sammy had left behind and they never failed to remind Dean of his baby brother. He wished he could take it all back. He wished not for the first time that he'd left Sammy be when he asked to be left alone instead of dragging him back into the world of hunting.

It wasn't fair to Dean, Sammy was all he had left of his family and now he was well and truly alone. He hated being alone. He missed his pain in the ass brother and he'd give anything to have him back again. He briefly thought of the crossroads demon and like a light bulb switched on, Dean hurried from the room – careful not to wake Bobby who was sleeping in the next room over.

He had a deal to make.

* * *

 _ **AN: So here is a Supernatural story, hope those of you that read it liked it. I've been working on it for almost a year now, I began writing it listening to Kenny Chesney's song Who You'd Be Today...I know I have somewhere on my profile that music is what usually inspire me to write and after listening to this song and seeing my sister in laws heart breaking reaction to Sammy's death in the TV series - I wrote this. Reviews are appreciated!**_


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